Grab the Good Life with Rocco DiSpirito
November 14, 2006 - 92.3free_fm_recap
92.3 FREEFM Hour One!
What up everybody, my name is Rocco DiSpirito and you're listening to 92.3 FREE FM, give me a call at 866-313-3733 (FREE)I'll be here until 9pm - I have to tell you I feel a bit akward because unlike Radio Chick I am not a Radio Guy, I am a chef actually. Not saying that it precludes you from being a radio guy - I actually hosted a show on WOR radio called Food Talk where I talked about food all day. Today I am not allowed to talk about food, politics or religion which doesn't leave much - but one thing i know about is relationships, sex, male female stuff - honestly a brutal truth is that I don't have one going on right now. I am going to be 40 in a few days and I don't have a girlfriend or a relationship right now and I ask myself why? Sometiems I think I know the answer - but I wonder why we try. Here's what I want to know from everybody: why do we bother? I really don't have an answer to that right now but I want to hear from you. Knowing that divorce rates are up, men cheat, women cheat, people who say they are happy in their marriages are lying most of the time, those who are in relationships and say they aren't happy still continue on in it and I want to know why. Please tell me why!
You may know me from my Restaurants: Union Pacific and Rocco's, or any of you foodies out there may know me. Union Pacific was kinda fancy 3 star restauramt on 22nd street and I also had Rocco's on 22nd street. You may know me from Bon Appetit, Gourmet Magazine, Food and Wine Magazine, you read about me in the NY Times Food section. You may know of me from TV - I have done it all: The Today Show, Good Morning Amercia, The Early Show, The View, MarthaRegis and Kelly, Letterman, Leno, Conan -you name I have been there as a Chef. But most of you know me from my TV show on NBC "The Restaurant" which was basically about a guy who crashed and burn in a Restaurant. If you have some questions about that we can talk about that too: what's real, what wasn't real, did you go through that, do you still have a restaurant are you still friends with that guy Jeffrey.
I have to tell you I feel akwars cause I feel out of my comfort zone so give me a call and we can talk - I mean I know how I feel about relationships but I need your help. I am the kind of guy who is fearless, call it foolish it has opened a few doors and closed a few. I am a triathlete, I race motorcycles, I scuba dive, I have writtent 3 books, been on TV and radio, I lecture and give demonstrations which I have been doing to promote Lincoln cars which I am the spokesman. Maybe you have seen my new commercial? I write articles for the street.com and I write music and sing, or trying to sing. All I wanted to be as a kid is a Chef - but again I was asked not to talk about food so I don't bore you - but the big idea is here is in everything I do I link people food and fun style with the male perspective cause that's all I know. But I love radio - the interaction with people. What got me from that first Pizza slice I served with a soda fountain at the Pozzeria on Sutphin Blvd in Jamaica Queens, was the people.
Let's go to the phones. Let's go to Junior in Queens.
Rocco: Junior, what's up?
Junior: My question is this – How come when I guy treats a female good, the female walks all over the guy and treats him like crap? But when a guy treats a girl like crap and really don't care about the female, they walk a straight line and they're willing to do whatever you want? Why is that?
Rocco: Is this from your personal experience?
Junior: Yes.
Rocco: Do you have a girl right now that's treating you like crap?
Junior: No.
Rocco: Did you have one? You treat her like crap and she loves it – is what you're saying…
Junior: Well, yeah to some extent because she's still with me…
Rocco: …she's still with you. You know, it's an interesting question. One of the reasons men cheat is that they get away with it. I did a lot of research and Askmen.com is a place I went to, I think it was #4 on the list, and one of the reasons men cheat is because they get away with it…because women let them. It's an odd thing. Everything's counter-intuitive. You treat someone well, they don't like it; you treat them badly, they always come back for more. I guess it depends on the kind of woman you're with. I mean, are you happy?
Junior: Am I happy?
Rocco: I mean, do you like the fact that she's willing to put up with you?
Junior: I mean, of course. I mean, what guy don't like that you treat her like crap and she's still around, you know?
Rocco: Sounds like you have the perfect situation…
Junior: I mean, but the thing is this: I don't want to be a messed up person to nobody because I believe what goes around comes around…
Rocco: So you believe in Karma, right?
Junior: Yeah, exactly…
Rocco: And so right now are you putting good Karma in the bank account or are you withdrawing it, what are you doing?
Junior: Well, I'm trying to put in good Karma but at the same time…I really don't know because in my past relationships, I've been a very good person…
Rocco: Are you sure about that?
Junior: Yeah…
Rocco: Have you ever cheated?
Junior: Well that's the thing. When I didn't cheat, when I was always home, when I was always making sure they knew where I was…you know, the one thing is when you're seeing somebody and when you have a relationship…when you have a relationship, you gotta commit to that person. And when I've committed to a person, they've always turned around and kicked me in the a**.
Rocco: So here's the thing – there must be some happy medium. This is what I don't understand. In all the years that human beings have been on the planet, we evolve constantly – we are always evolving. Why hasn't the model for a relationship evolved? Why do you think that it's the same as it was in the 13th century? Why do we have to be completely devoted to one person? Why are you even bothering to be completely devoted to one person? Is it because she demands that or because you really want that?
Junior: Well, I don't know. But you see lately, what I've tried to do is I tell females, you know, as a friend and do you want to just have fun and hang out or what? And sometimes they're like "yeah, yeah, yeah", and then those are the ones, those end up being worse than the actual girls…
Rocco: You mean you lay it on the line, you tell them right from the beginning that you're gonna be with other women, you don't want to be monogamous with them, and they say 'yes', and then they're the ones who probably think they're gonna change you… they think they're gonna be the one who's gonna make you change and become something different, is that what happens to you?
Junior: Exactly, yes.
Rocco: And so far you've been true to your word?
Junior: Yeah, so far. But it bugs me out, it really bugs me 'cause when you're nice, they're not…
Rocco: So are you saying you cheat on your girlfriend right now?
Junior: Nah, not right now…
Rocco: You're not willing to admit it, right?
Junior: Nah, I don't want…nah, I don't…
Rocco: She might be listening Junior..
Junior: Nah, she's not listening…I know where she's at right now…
Rocco: Well listen, I appreciate your insight. It is interesting…is there a girl out there who can call us. Because I know girls listen to this show. Is there a girl who can call us and tell us why when they're treated badly, they let us get away with it. Is there a girl on the line? I see a Sandra. How about Sandra? Sandra, are you there?
Sandra: Hi, this is Sandra, yes.
Rocco: Hi Sandra. Where you from Sandra?
Sandra: I'm from Westchester…
Rocco: Well thanks for calling. Now can you address Junior's issue first? Why is it when men treat women badly they let them get away with it? Junior said when I treat girls badly, they put up with it but when I treat them well, they step all over me. Do you know why Sandra?
Sandra: It's the same thing with me – it's the challenge thing. It's nobody wants a door mat, nobody wants a mother, nobody wants someone who's going to, you know, not be challenging…I think that's the whole thing. And people happen to fall into those ruts of role-playing and they end up…somebody is alpha and the other one isn't. I don't know…
Rocco: So you think people are destined to be alpha, submissive/dominant?
Sandra: Yes. I think if you have a good relationship, that alpha tone is interchangeable but I think …
Rocco: Oh, so in a good relationship you switch sides…in a good relationship there's a balance, okay.
Sandra: Balance, right. But I think that if the tone is set early on that somebody's in charge, it's…
Rocco: Okay, are you in a relationship Sandra?
Sandra: No, that's why I was calling you. I'm wondering why you're not in a relationship because I love your cooking show, and now I can't believe your flow and your tone on the radio…you're incredibly sexy on the radio…
Rocco: I appreciate that Sandra. You have a pretty sexy voice…maybe you should do some radio…maybe we should spend the rest of the show co-hosting. When was the last time you were in a relationship?
Sandra: Actually, that's my thing…I've always been long-term…
Rocco: You're a serial monogamist?
Sandra: Yeah, but I've been in a slump. My last boyfriend died unfortunately…
Rocco: I'm sorry to hear that…I won't make light of your last relationship then, that was my plan but I'm not going to do it now…I kind of feel bad for even thinking it
Sandra: And I'm a little older and it's really hard out there. It's much harder when you get a little older…even if you keep it together, it's like 'oh my God, that's what's out there and that's what available'?
Rocco: Well Sandra, here are the breakdowns. Females in the United States, 57% of them are separated; in the Black community, 70.9% of them, in the White community alone 56.2% of them and in the Hispanic/Latino community 54.3%. And here's the surprising one – in the Asian community, 68% of women are separated. With those odds, with those stats in your face, how could you possibly even give it a shot? Why would you? I mean I understand why you're not even gonna try. Is that something that you're afraid of?
Sandra: No, I'm trying, I'm trying, but it's like a second job…
Rocco: Now why are you trying?
Sandra: Because I really…
Rocco: I mean you just heard those statistics, right?
Sandra: …I'm a very passionate person…
Rocco: Sandra, you just heard those statistics – 50-70% of women in the United States, depending on your ethnic background, are separated. There's almost no shot that you'll be successful here in a relationship. Almost none. There is no endeavor out there that has a higher failure rate.
Sandra: I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm not looking to get married, I'm looking for that kind of an equal partner, for evolving and finding and discovering the second half of what's left and, you know, trying to do things and just really being adventurous. And finding somebody on that same path and wave, you know? It's hard to find people…
Rocco: I know, and here's what I have to say: Gluck! Go-Luck, because it is hard and again, I just don't understand why people bother. Is there something chemical going on? Are we just evolved to keep trying to do something that we know is impossible? Let's go to JJ and see what he has to say. He's been holding a long time.
Rocco: JJ, are you there?
JJ: Yeah, I am
Rocco: What's going on JJ? Are you in a relationship?
JJ: I'm not actually.
Rocco: You're not…but have you been in one recently?
JJ: I was in one in the beginning of this fall and I fell out of it…
Rocco: Okay what happened? Did she cheat on you?
JJ: No, no…
Rocco: 'Cause you know girls cheat as well, almost as much as guys…
JJ: The women cheat as much as guys?
Rocco: Yep, almost as much, and you know women will admit to it far less than guys will…
JJ: I bet
Rocco: I mean, when they do those polls, it's basically the honor system, they're counting on you. You know, they haven't videotaped you…you know, they don't have evidence. They're just asking you and hope you answer honestly…So I would guess that women are going to be less likely to admit than men, do you agree?
JJ: I would say that's probably so but I would think that women are more dedicated to the relationship that they're in…
Rocco: Hey guys gives us a call 866-313-3733 or you can listen to us on the Web at 923freefm.com. The only reason I'm doing this is to talk to you so give us a call.
Rocco: So here's the thing. This is my thesis – 'Why Do We Bother?' Is there something going on that we don't control? We heard Junior talk about the challenge, we hard Sandra talk about the challenge…being a hopeless romantic. Is there something more to being a hopeless romantic than emotional? Is it more than just emotions…
JJ: Absolutely. I think it has a lot to do with our evolution as a species. I mean…
Rocco: But here's the thing – everything's evolved in our world except for this. The model for the modern relationship hasn't evolved at all. You're still expected to partner for life. I mean, we live - -the life expectancy at birth is 85 now or something like that, in China it's 95-100, I mean it's nuts. Life together or being married for life was invented at a time when the life expectancy was 35,you know. I think this is a 13th century phenomenon, but way back in the origins of man there was no such thing as partnering for life. So why have things changed? Why have we become so rigid with the way we define our relationships?
JJ: Well, because it's no longer necessary. I mean, if you look at the culture of the Maya, we're…
Rocco: No, but…what's no longer necessary JJ?
JJ: To be in a longstanding relationship…
Rocco: But yet we try all the time! There are people getting married all the time. Marriages are up in the United States. As a matter of fact, more people are married in the United States than ever before.
JJ: That's because we're constantly drawn to each other. We're attracted to each other sexually and we are designed so that we come together in a community.
Rocco: But you can have community, you can have sex – you don't have to be married and live together for life to enjoy those things. Why can't we figure out a way to enjoy community, sex, relationships, companionship, the pooling of resources which that's part of what marriage is about – why can't we do it in a different way than walking down an aisle in front of everyone you know in the whole world, blowing a bunch of money on a wedding, you know moving in together, professing you're gonna be married for life but knowing deep down in your heart there's no chance it's going to work out…
JJ: Well that's what we've been taught that love is…we've been taught that love is a man and woman, a single man to man, a monogamous relationship, and…
Rocco: Well let's not get crazy here…I'm sorry, keep going…
JJ: That simply doesn't work in our modern civilization because we don't necessarily need one other man or one other woman to wash our clothes for us or go out…
Rocco: You mean we don't need the 'services' they provide…what we need is the emotional content, we need their companionship…we need the community they provide, the energy. But we don't need the services…
JJ: At least for a certain amount of time.
Rocco: Right. So in the face of all that, why do we keep trying? You're basically making my argument for me. I thought you said you know why we do it in the face of all the obstacles that we recognize.
JJ: Yeah, absolutely. It's, well, if you look back at Nomadic tribes…
Rocco: JJ, I have to…Nomadic tribes, this is going to be interesting…you sound like a scientist. JJ we have to take a break, we'll be right back. Callers, we're going to get to all of you. All I care about is talking to you guys so don't go away. This is 92.3 free fm.
Rocco: We're talking about relationships, sex, companionship, community, the model of the modern family versus the old model. Has it changed? Should it change? Divorces. Depending on who you go to, the New York Times recently said the rate of divorce is 47% I believe…now let's keep in mind that divorces require the participation of two people so that's 80% of people who are married are divorced – think about that. I'll read you these stats: if the divorce rate in 1991 was 47% and 1992 48%, this is of all people in the United States, 1993 46%, 1994 44%, 1995 46%, and on and on and on…2001 40%, currently 50% - that means 100% of people who were married are divorced? I don't think that works out, but it's a big one. Here we go – since every divorce involves two people, the percentage becomes somewhat more meaningful if you double it. 74% of the entire population gets divorced every year – there you go. That's right out of the Times, that's scary, that is very scary. In the world of females, overall 42.8% are separated; in the world of males, overall 56.7% of males are separated…as many men as women cheat, almost the same. There are so many reasons not to do this. It's insane, it really is. According to the New York Times recently, things are changing a little bit. In 1930, 70% of all households were married. Now for the first time in United States History, 52% of households are single people. That means for the first time, not everyone is getting married.
Let's get back to JJ. He's got some stuff going on…he's laying down some science I think. JJ, are you there?
JJ: Yeah, I'm here..
Rocco: You started to talk about Nomadic tribes…now let's not put people to sleep but lay it down…
JJ: Well you were talking about love. It used to be when you were in a relationship with one person for a long time, it was beneficial, because you know, Nomadic tribes, right…
Rocco: there was a merger…
JJ: Right, you could hunt together, you could survive. And now it's not necessary any more because you don't need to be in a longstanding relationship, but we still have that element in our brains which has been passed down, the sense of looking for love…
Rocco: You mean the chemistry…
JJ: …close personal relationship…but because it's no longer necessary to stay in that relationship, that love diminishes over time, it has to, and we're free to leave that relationship…
Rocco: So what you're saying is that the chemistry that goes on when we "fall in love", and we all know that there's a change in brain chemistry, when we fall in love, that's a result of evolution…evolution is taking over there..the reason chemistry changes and we become irritational in the face of all this data is because evolution has dictated that we do so – is that what you're saying?
JJ: Absolutely.
Rocco: Okay, so now that we know that, why has the family model not changed? Why has the needle only moved over just a drop?
JJ: Well I mean, you statistics can show you…I mean it's only been 50 years since the divorce rate has started to accelerate so quickly and it takes a longer time for cultures to change from basically a marriage relationship to a different communal relationship, you know?
Rocco: So you're saying civilization is ahead of evolution…
JJ: Exactly.
Rocco: Do you think that's the first time in history that that's been the case? That the needs of civilization are ahead of whatever evolution provides?
JJ: Yeah, absolutely. I mean we see civilization increasing and changing existentially and our bodies are still marching on to the tune of millions of years.
Rocco: Okay, I have one question for you JJ. Now that you know all this, how do you handle all your relationships…what mind frame do you walk into a relationship with?
JJ: Very carefully. I think relationships are terrific and I think it's the intricacy of those interactions that is important, not necessarily if you're perfect for somebody.
Rocco: JJ, I thank you very much. You've been very knowledgeable and fun to listen to.
Now let's go to Lisa. Lisa are you there?
Lisa: Yeah, hi. I was just calling because I'm 23 years old and I'm getting married next August…
Rocco: Uh-oh and I'm scaring you to death…
Lisa: No, you're not scaring me. Actually, a couple of weeks ago we went for our Pre-Cana at the church and we heard all the statistics…74% of marriages…
Rocco: Oh, you heard the same one…okay
Lisa: Well actually I heard that after 1990, 74% of all marriages failed. So despite all of this…
Rocco: Okay, you seem like a smart girl. Why would you, and people do it all the time and I'm not trying to belittle you. I'm just baffled…knowing that you have such a low likelihood of success, why would you do it?
Lisa: Because I'm so much in love. I've been with…my fiancé is my first boyfriend since I was 11 years old…we've been on and off…
Rocco: Wait a minute, you're mom and dad let you have a boyfriend at 11:
Lisa: Well, you know, very cutesy…
Rocco: That's sick…that ain't right I mean you guys were just friends obviously, right?
Lisa: Well, friends, you know, holding hands, that sort of thing…but there was a connection between the two of us all of the time…we're in love with each other and we can't be without each other and that's why…I mean you were saying that it's impossible for people to stay together forever. Both of our parents are still married…
Rocco: How old are your parents?
Lisa: Our parents are in their early 50's…
Rocco: You do realize you've already agreed on with the stats that one of your parents will, either your parents or his parents, will almost certainly get divorced…by the time their lives are over…
Lisa: …but they're still together…I mean they're fighting but I just think that…
Rocco: But here's what I'm saying…you're using them as a model and you're saying that because 'they're still together, we're gonna be together', but you realize that it's almost certain that one of them are going to get divorced?
Lisa: That's fine, you can say that…
Rocco: And you accept that?
Lisa: Yeah, I accept that and I accept what the divorce rate is but I still believe that we are connected and we want to grow old together, we will grow old together and we can't be without each other…
Rocco: Okay, now two things…one – do you think JJ was right in saying that chemistry has taken over and basically you're going to be irrational because chemicals dictate that you'll be irrational for the survival of the species…do you agree with that?
Lisa: I agree with that…
Rocco: Very good, wow, that's great…is your boyfriend listening?
Lisa: I also think that…
Rocco: You basically said that the only reason I'm going through with this is because I have no choice. The imbalance in my brain is causing me to do this…
Lisa: Well, I understand brain chemistry and all that, but I also think that me and my fiancé are very…people in today's society are very selfish people and the reason people don't stay together is because they're all 'me, me, me, me', and they don't know how to make sacrifices. And it's all about sacrifices…being in a relationship is sacrificing for another person to make things work…
Rocco: But why does it require so much sacrifice? Why can't we figure out how to get along and get what we need from each other without all the sacrifice?
Lisa: A relationship is sacrifice…family is sacrifice…if you're gonna meld two lives, three lives, four lives, you have to sacrifice for other people and you have to be willing to do that…you can't see yourself as perfect…
Rocco: Now I've heard the definition of a good relationship is one where you love each other more than you need each other. Do you think that's the case with your relationship?
Lisa: Yeah, sure, definitely. We're very independent people, we don't need each other, we just…
Rocco: Other than love, what do you provide for each other?
Lisa: Everything – friendship, advice, someone to lean on, someone to be there…we're each other's best friend, it's just…we'll have independent friends but…
Rocco: Does he do man things for you, you know the stereotypical change your oil, you can call him if you have a flat tire…does he do that kind of stuff for you?
Lisa: Well, the gardening and the landscaping, I do the cooking and the shopping…we share the laundry…I mean you make it work, and you have to…it's a give and take…
Rocco: And so you probably think I'm kind of negative, right?
Lisa: Yeah, I think you're extremely negative…
Rocco: You think I'm jaded and negative..
Lisa: …in love, and maybe you've never felt that but…
Rocco: No I've been in love, I've been in love a few times…madly in love..
Lisa: Then you must have your heart closed off to it because then you'll never allow yourself to be in love again and that's sad to me, I'm sorry…
Rocco: That is sad. I feel like I'm open…I mean I meet beautiful, successful, smart, independent women all the time…and I can't tell you how fortunate I am with regard to meeting these women…it's just the idea of giving up so much of what I want to do every single day in order to make a relationship work is just so daunting. I wish there was another way to do it, that's my hope.
Who can we go to next? Let's go to April, April are you there?
April: Hi.
Rocco: Hi April. Thank you so much for calling. The connection's great – we are connected you and I…
April: Good.
Rocco: I'm right here for you…
April: Well I listen to your show whenever I'm up here…I'm from Augusta, Georgia and I drive trucks…It's a great show
Rocco: Thank you very much. It's my first time on air here so…
April: Oh yeah?
Rocco: Yeah, it is so I'm not sure who's show you're listening to. Well talk to me April. You're from Augusta, Georgia and you're in New York right now. Are you in a relationship?
April: Yes I am.
Rocco: Now April, do you believe that as many women cheat as men? That the percentages of men and women that cheat are almost the same…
April: I think that nowadays, it is probably about half and half…it's probably about the same.
Rocco: About the same…now when was the last time you cheated on a boyfriend?
April: Now I don't cheat…
Rocco: You've never cheated in your life?
April: Maybe in high school but not in serious relationships…
Rocco: High school counts…was it a boyfriend and did you promise monogamy?
April: Well I mean I don't really consider that serious because there was no sex involved.
Rocco: So you're qualifying it and you're giving yourself an out- Did your boyfriend find out?
April: Um, well I mean he cheated…he was with other people. Yeah, we were pretty honest in the end…
Rocco: So you guys were lousy basically, you were lousy to each other. Now you think you know why people get married. Why do you think people get married?
April: Well I think it's more tradition and I think there's a strong religious connection to it all.
Rocco: Religion. So you think the tradition and the culture of religion forces us to be slaves to religion and tradition? You feel like religion is a monkey on your back, something you can't shake?
April: Well, I feel you have to be free, you know, you have to free yourself from that. You know, it's okay to worship whatever God you worship but a lot of things that you learn are what man has written. You understand what I'm saying?
Rocco: Yeah, of course. So you're saying that you're not sure that anyone but man has written what we read and what we go by…
April: Right, that's what I'm saying. So you have to free yourself from all of that. You know, a lot of people don't want to get marry but they do because that's what they've learned…
Rocco: Because they fall into that trap…
April: And you don't want to disappoint anyone…they don't want to disappoint their parents. Like you know down South, it's just very…you have to get married. If you're gonna live with somebody, that's not acceptable.
Rocco: So your parents essentially force you by handing down their culture and their tradition to fall in the same trap that they're probably upset that they fell into yet just can't do anything about it because they'll be ashamed or embarrassed by your behavior if you decide to break the mold and do something else, is that what you're saying?
April: I think that it's true for now but I think that my mom…my mom, she went through three divorces and she still don't see, you know, 'oh I shouldn't have done that'. I think it's still right in her eyes to get married. I'm hoping she doesn't get married again because it's just not gonna work for her…
Rocco: Do you know that statistics say that the likelihood of marriages surviving after the first, second, third, fourth marriage go down precipitously…the more you get married, the more likely you are going to fail at that marriage…
April. Yeah. Now I'm not against marriage…
Rocco: Are you going to get married April:
April: I can't say I will. I wanted to…
Rocco: So you're willing to break tradition…you're willing to step out of the box and do something different?
April: Yep….
Rocco: Even though you come from a strong culture…I find that very brave and I applaud you. I think it's very difficult. There's a family member I'm thinking about right now who is a pariah in our family because she refuses to fall into that trap. She hasn't found someone she wants to marry. And then there are other family members who have gone right into the same pattern that their parents have done…there are cousins, aunts and uncles, who are unhappy…who have been married two or three times and were miserable in their marriages but who are afraid to admit it, afraid to be alone. What's so bad about being alone? You know, friends are great companions. You can have loads of friends, you can have friends at work who provide companionship, you can have friends who are no relation at work whatsoever, you have intimate friends that you don't have to marry or live with necessarily…why is that we continue to fall into this trap? More people in America are married than ever before because of the growth of the population so marriage is certainly not going to disappear by any stretch of the imagination. Why do we keep doing it? Sal – let's go to Sal from Queens…I want to find out what Sal thinks. Hi Sal. What's going on brother?
Sal: Rocco! I can't believe you're on the radio man!
Rocco: I can't believe it either.
Sal: You're gonna do awesome man.
Rocco: I appreciate that, thank you. Where you from in Queens? You know I'm from Jamaica.
Sal: Right on man! Quick question – what happened with the restaurant show? It just never came back on…
Rocco: I know, I know. Here's the thing. We ended the second season with a cliffhanger…I don't know if you remember but there was that very dramatic moment where after brawling and fighting and the silly things between my partner and I, we sat at a table and he handed me a check for $250,000 – it was a real check by the way – and he said 'you should take this and walk away Rocco…you should leave right now…take this check, it'll help you with your next endeavor, help you set up your next restaurant' and I took the check, looked at it and said I've got a lot to think about, I'll talk to you Monday. And that was supposed to be the ending of Season 2 and the beginning of Season 3. I'm not sure why Jeff Zucker decided not to do Season 3. I'm sure there were a lot of reasons why but it was certainly a very interesting and very fun experience doing that show. And basically what happened to the restaurant is my partner and I just decided to disagree and separate from that business, close the restaurant down and do something new. Sal, did you ever make it into "Rocco's"?
Sal: No I did not.
Rocco: Well I'm sorry to hear that, you would have loved the meatballs. Now what do you do with your girlfriends?
Sal: No I do not. I'm turning 40 soon…
Rocco: Yeah, me too. When are you gonna be 40?
Sal: In January.
Rocco: Okay, I'm going to be 40 in a couple of days.
Sal: There's no reason man. Every two years you trade her in. The minute she starts to yap a little about marriage, bye-bye-bye…
Sal: And you get a younger, better one…that's it
Rocco: Now are you up front with your girlfriends about this? Do you tell them beforehand that my strategy is like I'm leasing a car basically and every 24 months you're gonna trade them in?
Sal: I'm like this all the time. If they say it and we're out with all our friends, she knows I'm never getting married.
Rocco: So far you've been getting away with it…
Sal: Yeah
Rocco: Now tell me about the girl who's been the most aggressive, the most tenacious, the one who turned the screws the fastest…
Sal: Well, they always say they can handle it, that's the problem.
Rocco: And they always think that they're gonna be the one that's different, right?
Sal: I'm up front, they say they can handle it, and then something happens in a year and a half and they think they're gonna be the one that's gonna grab you and settle you down. And it just doesn't work. It don't happen that way.
Rocco: Well Sal, I appreciate that…it's a very astute observation. I think a lot of guys feel the same way but just don't have the courage and be up front about it and say they're gonna trade you in after 24 months…I have to say it's quite a point of view. I'm sure there are a lot of girls out there whose stomachs are turning.
Hey let's go to Justin from Long Island. Hey Justin
Justin: Hey what's up Rocco. You're doing a great job.
Rocco: Thank you.
Justin: So listen, it's like I was trying to tell the guy before – it's a hybrid situation now, with everyone that's ever out there. You have to look at marriage is that you're in it for the religious aspect or you're in it to please others. That's all there is to it. There's no real institution anymore. In my particular situation, I've been with the same woman for six years, we have two kids and we're not married.
Rocco: Well this is what I want to know. Is there a new model, are we moving towards a new model if 52% of the country is now living single, that still means that 46% of the statistics say is married, that's a lot of people. Is the new model live together, have kids and don't worry about the institution of marriage, don't worry about the marriage certificate?
Justin: Exactly. If you take it back, people are polygamists by nature as what's-his-name was saying before. People are completely polygamist by nature.
Rocco: Do you think that's true, do you think that's true of women as well as men?
Justin: Oh yeah, very much so, especially if you ask my girlfriend. She'll tell you the same thing. I mean how can any of us say that we can't go out and actually look at someone else or talk to a different person…
Rocco: Well forget about look at them, have sex with them is what we're really talking about…
Justin: But who's to say that you're wrong for doing it except for the moral majority.
Rocco: Well society does, hundreds of millions of people in the United States do…
Justin: Yeah, but those hundreds of millions of people are also getting divorced.
Rocco: Many of them are, you're right about that. There is a lot of contradiction. This is what I find baffling.
Justin: If your convictions are strong enough to be a religious person and you think that in front of God you have to show that you love this person, great. But if you don't, if you don't feel like that's necessary, then what's the point? Then what are you working towards in a marriage except for a divorce.
Rocco: Then you're doing it to make other people happy and I guess religion is also a form of pleasing others…you're doing it to please God or those you fear will judge you if you don't do it. Let me read some complaints men have about women.
-Women complain, criticize and nag too much;
-They try to control and suppress men; (who hasn't felt that?);
-They are seldom happy;
-They tend to withhold sex as a punishment or blackmail;
Rocco: I wonder if men do that. If there is a man out there who's ever withheld sex as punishment, I'd like to talk to you…
-Women do not think logically but only emotionally;
-Their emotions are not predictable but change quickly, especially during hormones, during menstruation, pregnancy;
-They tend to gossip
Rocco: Now I can say with authority that men gossip as well.
-They too create extramarital relationships;
-They're not home enough;
-They are not taking enough care of the home;
Rocco: Okay, now let's read women's complaints about men.
-They are not understanding enough; (
Rocco: How understanding should we be? Why do women look for a level of understanding from men that men cannot deliver? We cannot deliver the level of understanding that you're looking for, it's clear. Every woman is disappointed by men doing the same thing over and over and over. They're looking for a level of understanding that we can't deliver, so why go to a man for that level of understanding? Why not go to your female friends or your mother for that level of understanding?
-Men are not affectionate enough. Men are not sensitive to feelings and needs;
They tend to bypass sexual foreplay and are quick to ejaculate, thus losing their sexual interest before the women are satisfied;
-They do not communicate enough;
-They do not express their feelings and thoughts;
Rocco: Wow this is a lot of stuff here. Let's take a break from these complaints. I think we need to go to some of you guys who have a more positive view. Let's go to Suzanne in New York.
Suzanne: Rocco the Renaissance man.
Rocco: In my own mind, right? Now you claim to be in a happy relationship, is that what you're saying?
Suzanne: It's insane but yeah.
Rocco: Really? You know I'm thrilled to hear this by the way, I don't want not to hear this, I want people to be in a happy relationship, I want to be in a happy relationship…I have several happy relationships, just not an intimate one with a woman right now. So tell me about yours, we want to hear all about it.
Suzanne: The fact is that it's him. He came into the relationship…first of all, there should be a rule. You shouldn't be allowed to have kids until you're 35, you should be born unable to have kids and you have to be able to pass a test in order to have them. It should be the same with relationships…if you don't have, because so many of us don't have the model of two parents…
Rocco: Hmm-hmm. We haven't learned to be interdependent, we haven't learned what it means to be in a relationship…and you feel you've learned that?
Suzanne: It's not so much learn what it's like to be in a relationship, that's a really large statement. You have to learn that it's not Melrose, you know slap the guy in the face and say that's it, I'm outta here. You obviously try to prevent stuff from happening but you really have to try and you have to know that if you fight, it doesn't mean that you're breaking up. I mean TV gives us that model, we get that model everywhere. You really don't have anybody or a lot of people giving you the tools because most of them who are together are not happy so you don't want to use them as a model.
Rocco: Well think about everything we're trained to do in our lives. I mean if we spent as much time learning about how to be in a relationship that we spent on penmanship in school, think about that…on penmanship along as a subject, how much better would we be? I think that we'd be so much better at relationships and knowing what it means to care for another person, to make the sacrifices that another caller said you have to make in order for a relationship to work. To recognize nuances in behavior, to be thoughtful, to be understanding. I never went to school for any of that stuff and are you supposed to learn all that at home?
Suzanne: But it's totally the key because it's what works, I mean we're Pavlovian, we know that works. It's 'if I'm nice to you, you're nice to me". If I bring you home a snack and you give me a hug…you know what I mean? You kind of work together to try to keep the whole thing fresh and beautiful and touching…
Rocco: Is it more than just an exchange of services though? The things that you described are really sweet and great and I would love someone to do those kinds of things for me and, you know, I feel good doing things for other people, but you don't need an intimate partner to bring a snack to someone, to do something nice for someone. Is there an exchange of services required in order for people to feel like there are sacrifices being made?
Suzanne: It's not an exchange of services as much as that person's in your heart and you think about them all the time, and so it's not the thing that I give you, it's that I thought about you…and that you are part of my daily life and as much as everybody's running and rushing and juggling and everything else, I took time out of my day to have some thoughts about you…and whether it be a hug or a kiss or anything, you know I missed you today.
Rocco: Well affection I don't consider a service. Affection is just something that happens when you love someone. It's spontaneous, I think, unless it's forced and then in that case there's something wrong. Other than affection, other than caring for someone, listening to someone talk, don't you find that so much of what is exchanged in a relationship, an intimate relationship, a marriage, is just basic services that a maid, a gardener, an automechanic could perform for a fee?
Suzanne: Well now, here's another issue altogether because I happen to have children so what you try to do, you definitely value your time, so you try to…you know, because those are real relationship killers…
Rocco: Kids are relationship killers…
Suzanne: Well kids, it depends…
Rocco: Can be, sure…
Suzanne: It depends if you can manage your life, if you still have a life outside of them…
Rocco: I imagine they really change things in a huge way…
Suzanne: It's monstrous. But if you have time away to breathe, just like in any other part of your life, if you can get away from them, if you can create that freedom…a lot of times financially, you know, what it cost for a babysitter, it doesn't pay to walk out the door…but if you can get that time alone and still be excited to be together…
Rocco: I have a couple of questions. Do you ever feel like you're doing something for your partner because they now feel entitled to it, or do you feel like you need to do it even though you're not really 100% certain that you want to do it? Do you ever do it just because you know they're expecting it?
Suzanne: Not so much expecting it because again, it boils down to this think where it's like, you know…you do it because you go 'well I'll try it' and you feel how much of yourself feels compromised by doing it. And then you kind of wiggle your way around, you know if you want to continue to do it, you do it…I used to think when I was younger that certain issues were the main issues but now that I'm older, I'm like 'honey, throw your laundry everywhere, I don't care…we'll get someone to clean it up, but let's make sure that we are hugging and kissing, and also not so much talk'. Like there should be a cut off point when you talk about the drudgery of life. You know, when you get in bed at night, and you say I love you and you cuddle, you're happy and you're sexy…and you go to bed and you start talking about the kids, and this and the bills, dead, dead…
Rocco: So you have to be really cognizant of those conversation killers or those relationship killers…those topics that just bring you right down. And you guys are very cognizant of that, your husband as well?
Suzanne: Have to be. Have to be. Because you know, it just bums the whole mood out.
Rocco: Now I have a couple of things I want to read to you…I want to see if you think your husband…he's your husband, right?
Suzanne: He's my fiancé…he would've been a husband but we're just kind of saving the money to have the marriage that we want…
Rocco: Saving for the marriage that you want. Is there something else you would have other than a marriage with that money?
Suzanne: Don't, no, don't think it's all like that. It's just me and him and our kids and my mom and his mom, that's it. But we want to rent a house in South Carolina for a week and all hang out…we're gonna get married on a porch and then he's going to throw me in the ocean, and…
Rocco: Oh, that's so lovely. Okay, so here are some complaints that women have about men and I want to know if your fiancé falls in those categories…
"They don't communicate enough; they don't express their feelings and thoughts". How does your fiancé rate?
Suzanne: No, he's completely opposite. He was in a relationship, I mean that's the key right there too, we're not children going in, we're older. So we already…we're like two abused dogs at the homeless shelter, we found each other…we're so grateful…
Rocco: So he was married before?
Suzanne: Yes.
Rocco: And were you married before?
Suzanne: I was in a serious relationship…my thing about marriage is that you don't get married if you can see the end at the beginning…
Rocco: What a great way to look at it, that is profound.
Welcome Back to Hour Two of Rocco on 92.3 FREE FM!
Rocco: What's up everybody, this I Rocco DiSpirito, I am a chef and I am here to talk about relationships...why? cause I guess I have had a few. So many things are weird about relationships, I mean with the divorce and pain that comes with failed relationships i wonder why do we bother? If you're just listening we are talking to people who have opinions about why we bother and some who agree to say "don't bother".
Why can we just find love, sex companionship wherever we find it? Why do we have to get together and get married, partner for life when we all know that partnerning for life is a relatively recent phenomenon? Invented when life expectancy was about 35! Listen to this:
Women define monogamy when a guy calls everyday, when they have made plans with the same man two weekends in a row. I mean that's how they define monogamy. Men define a relationship as monogamous when they have sex with the same woman everyday, let them keep stuff in their apartment which indicates a woman is there often who is not their mother. Why are we designed this way? How about the fact that women are always warm and men are always cold? If we're saupposed to live together in the same house and share the same bed how can we do that if we need to live in two different climate zones?
Here are the top ten complains men have about women!
1. Women complain, criticize and nag too much.
2. They try to control and suppress men.
3. They are seldom happy.
4. They tend to withhold sex as a punishment or blackmail.
5. They do not think logically, but emotionally.
6. Their emotions are not predictable but change quickly especially due to hormones, during menstruation, pregnancy or menopause.
7. They tend to gossip.
8. They, too, create extramarital relationships.
9. They are not home enough (which for some men means - continuously)
10. They are not taking enough care of the home.
Women's Complaints about Men
1. They are not understanding enough.
2. They are not sensitive to feelings and needs.
3. They are not affectionate enough.
4. They tend to bypass sexual foreplay, and are quick to ejaculate thus losing their sexual interest, before the woman is satisfied.
5. They do not communicate enough. They do not express their feelings and thoughts.
6. They do not pay enough attention to their partners.
7. They do not spend enough time at home with their children.
8. They do not help with order and cleanliness of the home.
9. They do not appreciate the work involved in keeping up the home or in bearing and bringing up children and do not compensate this contribution to family life.
10. They make decisions about work and life without regarding the woman's or the family's needs.
11. They create extramarital relationships.
